Today’s award for Something I Know About But Wish I Didn’t Know About Because It’s Deeply Troubling goes to …
Japanese Spider Crabs!
Jesus Christ.
According to Wikipedia, this bad boy is the largest arthropod in the world — that would be the awesome phylum that brought us spiders, crustaceans and insects — with a leg span of up to 12 feet, 6 inches. To put that in perspective, it could easily wrap its Mistake of God self around a VW Beetle.
And it can weigh up to 41 pounds. Which is even more troubling, because that weight/size ratio implies spindly and fragile. Spindly and fragile implies maladjusted, and possibly willing to fight. Which makes sense, if you’re a creepy deep sea crab. Also, Wikipedia tells me that “the pleopods of males are unusually twisted, and its larvae appear primitive.” Sick! The pleopod, I just found out, is the little wispy legs shrimp et al have. Also, when I have a child, its middle name will be Pleopod.
Wikipedia also tells me they’re “good-natured” with a “gentle disposition” but I don’t see how you could assess any kind of personality traits from a crab, so I choose to disregard this information.
Anyway, the most troubling thing about spider crabs — and believe me, it’s hard to pick just one — is the fact that they are the Daddy Longlegs of the sea. And I hate, hate, hate Daddy Longlegs.
Why, God? Why?
They’re real common in the south, and although my father and mother both assured me that they were harmless, and don’t even have mouths (side note: what?) I knew they were up to no good, teetering all over the place with their easily crushable legs and weird little dot bodies. And sure enough, one day I went into my playhouse and a giant swarm of (mating? partying? fighting?) Daddy Longlegs fell on me. Like, hundreds. Maybe thousands. In my hair, their little legs flailing around all nimbly bimbly. It was probably the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, and now I have to face the terrifying possibility that their enormous sea cousins are lying in wait to do the same thing.
So you stay away from me, Japanese Spider Crabs, and especially stay away from my hair. Stay in the deep sea where you belong, and there will be no trouble. This isn’t threats. This is so sincere.
Discussion question: How will you fight Japanese Spider Crabs, when the time comes?
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