I have shitty taste in music, and I don’t even care who knows.
Every song from The Shins or Neko Case I own is buttressed by a good 14 T-Pain remixes of rap songs that were bad to start with and needed some autotune to push them over into entirely shameful territory.
That's why they call him Teddy Penderherassdown.
My love for Tallahassee Pain began with 2006’s “I’m in Luv (Wit A Stripper),” which was the skanky dancin’ at the bar song my senior year and will forever remind me of a phenomenally slutty sorority sister of mine. Believe me, there is little better than an account of a three-way with two frat guys delivered in a thick Mississippi accent.
Owwwkay, so theyn, we heahded to thuh rich-oo-al room ...
Things really solidified with 2007’s “I’m a Flirt”, though it must be said that the best line of the song — “Now the moral of this story is cuff yo bitch, cause hey! I’m black, handsome, rich, and I sing, plus I’m a flirt,” — belongs to R. Kelly, but he is another blog entry entirely.
But the moment when I really and truly knew I would never be able to quit Pain was “Shawty.” Even though T-Pain’s not my man, I’m not his girl, he’sa call me his shaaaaaaawty. Sing it to him, girl! This is one of those songs that I listened to over and over and over and over, and then maybe one more time, and again tomorrow.Also, Rick Ro$$’s corpulent ass shows up in the video for no good reason. BAWSE!
I think my favorite T-Pain phase to date has been the top hats. I was really, really sad to see this go, because for awhile, every time he showed up he would be in a ridiculous, yet thematic, top hat. For example, if it was the Country Music Awards, which he had been invited to for whatever reason, it’d be a cowboy top hat. Or, for a nice Wednesday on the town, a purple top hat with a subdued floral pattern.
Because, why not?
The peak of my T-Pain obsession came with “On A Boat,” which not only once again reinforced his rappa-ternt-sanga chops but also demonstrated his tremendous sense of humor.
Never thought he'd be on a boat. It's a big blue watery rooooooad.
You can’t tell, but this picture demonstrates this herky-jerky knee-centric dance that he does right at the end of the video. Please believe that this is now, like, my signature move.
Is there a point to this, you might ask? No, other than the very important point that T-Pain occupies a special place in my heart. I’ve been jamming out to his new song, “Zoosk Girl,” which is doubly shameful in that I think it’s an advertisement for an online dating site called “Zoosk.” T-Pain, surely someone with the game-ending chain seen below doesn’t need to be trawling the internet for ladies.
Just what it says it is.
Before I leave you with the video for Zoosk, here are some T-Painisms for you to ponder:
• “Ooooh, she made us drinks — to drink. We drunk ’em. Got drunk!”
— On how why he likes the bartender, besides the fact that besides her, there’s 200 bitches in the club and ain’t none of them hot
• “She looked me dead in the eye, then my pants got bigger, she already knew what to figure, had her lookin’ at her boyfriend, like, fuck that (n-word)!”
— T. Pain, on the dangers of combining your lady, him and alcohol
• “Cause I support the naked hustle. One cheek at a time, show me that booty muscle!”
— T. Pain on his support of single mothers, later adding that strippers may consider him their unofficial baby’s daddy
• “Oh, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday! Till the sun comes up! Till the Feds roll up!”
— T. Pain on his busy thuggery schedule. At least he observes the sabbath
Anyway, if all this hasn’t whet your proverbial whistle for T-Pain, then I can’t imagine what would. Here is my new club banger:
Blog Time Incorporated 